How to survive becoming single

When I signed those divorce papers, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  After all the drama of breaking up and the divorce process, I was shocked at how devastated I was after the signing of the documents.  It was over.  I was divorced.  The part I didn’t count on is that it would still be a journey to go from divorced to being a single person again.

It took me 3 full weeks before I felt like a human again and wanted to continue.  I had been mourning the death of my marriage.  Then the reality of what really happened hit me.  I felt betrayed, alone and lost. My husband was my entire world.  I depended on him for everything.  Here I was on my own.   I had no job, no career to back me up.  I had no income. I woke up at 3am every night shaking and crying, wondering how I was going to survive. I had images of myself living in a box on the sidewalk.  Forgotten and alone.  I was frozen in time and space unable to move.  I blamed everyone and everything for what had happened to me.  

 I was a victim of love. 

I knew how to cure this, or so I thought.  It was to find a new love and get right back into it again.  I missed being loved and in a relationship. I only knew how to be a partner, not a single person.
 I jumped out in the dating field right away and I found myself a new love. I was thrilled to see I was still able to find someone, and it happened so quickly.  Of course I ignored all the red flags about going from one relationship right into the other.

I was ready, I could feel it.  Having someone new to love was exciting. I felt 18 years old again. Yet I wasn’t. It was a disaster.  I was nowhere near ready to begin something new.  I did everything I could to make this new relationship work, including doing what he wanted, being who he wanted me to be so he would stay with me.  The problem was, he fell in love with the person I was when we met, and fell out of love with the person I was trying to become.

I was devastated, mostly because I still had not mourned the loss of my marriage.  I just pushed all those emotions aside and went head first into something new.  When this break up came I was a basket case. 

Looking back I can see everything I did that was wrong.  Except I don’t regret any of it, because it brought me here to who I am today. Back then I was just beginning to get into self help work.  If I knew then what I know how, none of this would have happened. Hind sight is 20/20.

What would I have done differently?  Actually it’s what I did after I finally got this guy out of my system, and that took a long time too. I was clinging to him because I was afraid of who I was. I had been married for so many years,the only persona I knew was that of a married person.  I had no idea how to be single or what that even involved.  I know it sounds crazy, but imagine waking up one day and not knowing who you are.  That is how I felt. 

When I look back, I don’t think I ever had the persona of a single person, going from living with my parents to boyfriend after boyfriend.  I never took the time to know who I was.  I was always being who the guy wanted me to be.

It wasn’t until I decided to take care of me and put me first thing began to turn around.  I took the time to get to know me , who I was and what I wanted.  A scary thing to discover when you feel you know who you are.  Then you wake up one morning and realize it was all a lie.

Part of my healing process was journaling.  I am more a visual person and that is why I worked in a visual journal, with words and images.  It helped me deal with the pain.  This is why I use this in my work with my clients, to help them on another level to work through their issues.

Anyway, here I am years later, having discovered Jungian work and finally understanding who I am and why I did what I did. 

My suggestions to you if you are going thru a bad break up.  

  1. Take the time to mourn the relationship. Let yourself feel what is really going on.  It’s ok to be sad.  
  2. At the same time do not blame the other person for what happened.  Don’t blame God or your family or anything.  Take responsibility that it wasn’t the right relationship. 
  3. Don’t blame yourself.  There is nothing you could have done differently or said differently to make it work.  Some relationships are not meant to be forever.
  4. Learn to love again. I know this sounds silly but usually after a break up the heart cracks open a bit more. This is the time to experience personal growth so there will not be a  next time.
  5. Journal- whether you write or just art, let the feelings flow.  It really does help to get them out rather than keep them bottled up inside.
  6. Get support from family and friends.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you are hurting. 
  7. Talk to a coach to get over the break-up faster. 


 I wanted to share one of the images I did during my break up.  I felt I was a victim.  But that was in my mind.  I let myself be a victim of love.  I carried that for a few years, always playing the victim.  How did it serve me?  It kept me from being able to find a fulfilling relationship. 

Once I was able to drop this and understand my mind, I was able to create a good relationship.  It can happen to you too.
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Let it go......

Let it go......

You know, I never like to start at the beginning.  It’s one of my issues, to be a beginner.  I want to be in the middle.  I want to understand what I am doing and be good at it.  Or at least be doing it.  But that can’t always happen.  There has to be a time when we are all beginners. 

Yet I understand the beginners mind.  And I admire the beginners mind, in others.  That place that is full of excitement learning about something new.  The place of being where they have no expectation of the results, because there have never been any results to compare.  Or even the place of not knowing what they are doing so there is more freedom to explore possibilities.  That in itself can lead to the greatest discoveries.

I’m in that place right now.  At the beginning.  And it is scary.  And I want to be in the middle.  In a comfort zone type of place where I know what is going on and what will happen. The comfort zone is so predictable we can do it in our sleep.  Only now is a time to wake up and pay attention.  Everything is about to change. 

Right now there is much in my life that is starting over again.  All at the same time.  The comfort zone is being pulled out from under me and I must either go with the flow or cling onto that rug for dear life hoping it will stay and I have something familiar to work with.

While in Maui August 2015, I had an amazing session with a Shaman.  Her words still echo in my soul,  “Let it go, let it go, let it go”.  It was a very powerful time with her and this has been building inside of me ever since.  It feels like a dam that has become too full and is about to burst.

It feels so scary and also it is exciting.  Everything will change, if I let it, and there is a chance to have a beginners mind.  To explore and see what might happen next.  If I don’t drive myself crazy while it is happening.


It is time to let it go and be a beginner.  
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